So Much To Be Thankful For

Yesterday we stayed home and spent the entire day in the kitchen.  No place to go...no company coming...it was so nice.  Brian and I cooked together and created a marvelous gluten-free Thanksgiving feast.  We set a beautiful table and then sat around it with our five children.  We each took turns telling what we were thankful for.  It was so fun to hear what our kids said.  Amanda was thankful for her brothers and sisters.  Josh was thankful for so much food. It made us remember what might have been had our adoptions not been successful.  Would Amanda be who she is now, full of life and love because of the love her siblings have shown her?  Would Josh have ever known what it feels like to have enough to eat?

Katelyn was grateful for the simple things we take for granted--electricity, water, shelter.  Maybe this is because she has been reading about what life was like during the Revolutionary War.  She is so thankful for all of the sacrifices of our forefathers and mothers.  Brandon was thankful for the plan of salvation and temples.  Could this be because of his interest in family history?  He is determined to find out about his heritage and as he does this he is discovering his own identity.  I am so proud of both of them.  Don't they look nice in their piano recital attire?

Brian is thankful for his job and the security it provides in these financially hard times.  He is also thankful for all of us and his testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 

Zach is thankful for Jesus. No one doubts that this little one knows Jesus and loves him.  He already knows.  Such faith can only be found in little children.  I looked at everyone and with tears in my eyes told them that I am most thankful to be married to my best friend for eternity and to have all of my children around me and sealed to me for eternity.  I realized that I am living my happily ever after.  Sometimes it's hard to recgonize it with all of the work and busyness of regular life.  It is just at times like these when we slow down and share special moments that we remember.

Today I woke up with my little Zachie snuggled up in my arms.  I decided that shopping can wait.  I want this weekend to be about slowing down and enjoying my life.  I read a book, put up the Christmas tree with my anxious little ones, picked on left-overs, listened to great music, watched the little ones play with each other in the backyard, and relished in my happiness.  My soul is well-fed today.  I could not ask for more.

Doesn't everybody sing Christmas carols while they carve pumpkins?

What if the Christmas carol is a Renaissance piece from Spain, accompanied by guitars and castanets?  It just occurred to me that our family traditions are a little bit odd this year.  There's nothing odd about carving pumpkins or singing Christmas carols, except that this year we are doing them at the same time and in Catalonian Spanish!  We have been singing Christmas songs for a long time, in fact.  It might seem odd to be singing about Christmas in the triple digit heat of September and during Halloween, but we have a choral concert coming and it just feels right to us. 

Lately our lives have been so busy that we have forgotten something very important--to be happy!  Today I happened to be in my small son's Sunday school class and I was reminded about the pioneers and how at the end of the day of walking and walking, they would gather together to sing and dance.  It kept up their spirits and brought them joy.  Even though they had not arrived at their destination, they could still find a reason to be joyful along the way. 

It is so important for our family to sing along the way.  It just makes everything worth it.  It lifts us over the mundane and helps us to remember to enjoy each other and our lives together.

We need evenings like this more often.

Letting Go of the "Shoulds"

There was a time in my life when I was ruled by "the Shoulds."  No matter what I did, the Shoulds would tyrannically rule over me, causing me a tremendous amount of guilt and turmoil.  For instance, if I spent my early morning time exercising, the Shoulds would remind me that I did not study and that the house was in need of cleaning.  If I spent that precious hour or so on study, the Shoulds would complain that I did not exercise or clean.  If, heaven forbid, I chose to catch up on much needed sleep during that time, a surge of guilt would consume me upon waking up.  My first activity of the day would be to berate myself.  Often the Shoulds would not let up and I would feel this bitter disappointment in myself all day long.

It took a dear friend of mine to help me see what I was doing to myself.  She advised me to keep a small notebook in my pocket and make a tally mark every time I thought about what I "should" be doing.  As I did this one day I realized that my negative thoughts about myself were nearly continual.  Upon this discovery I immediately wrote to her that it is no wonder I was so depressed all the time!  It felt liberating to acknowledge that it would be completely impossible to do all the things I was telling myself I "should" be doing.  How can I do three things simultaneously?  Yet, that is why I was feeling guilty!  I immediately saw that I needed to invite the Shoulds to leave.

I also felt a deep need to go to my Heavenly Father and ask Him directly how He felt about me and the work I was doing in my home.  I was reading Little Women at the time.  I read about how Meg, the March's oldest daughter, had had doubts about herself because of comments she overheard from family friends.  Instead of believing the comments or dwelling on them, she went straight to her mother, her dearest confidant and mentor.  Marmee then told her of her infinite worth.  She taught her of her true value and purpose. 

I went to my Father in Heaven and I asked Him how he felt about me and my work in my home.  I immediately felt an outpouring of love.  It was so immense and overwhelming that I wept.  I realized that this love was not conditional upon my actions and choices.  He loves me no matter what I do.  I also felt that He knew my heart and my desires to be a good mother.  While we both knew that I was not perfect, He recognized and validated my efforts and showered me with love and praise for what I was doing. 

Since then I have realized that when I buy into that kind of thinking I deny the power of the Atonement for me personally.  I was led away by a device of the adversary, thinking to myself that I could somehow do things on my own power with no need for a Savior.  I was struck one day when I read about the anti-Christ, Korihor, from the Book of Mormon.  He preached that "every man prospered according to his genius, and that every man conquered according to his strength (Alma 30:17).  This teaching was very well received, particularly by women (v. 18).  Abandoning this way of thinking has liberated me!

Now when I wake up in the morning, I ask myself "What is it that is most needful?"  I know that I cannot do it all.  I must choose what to let go.  Sometimes the house goes while I soothe a troubled soul or play with a little one who needs attention.  Sometimes my sleep goes when I know I must write.  Sometimes I just need to sleep.  And, it's really okay.  I no longer feel a need for perfection.  I hunger to be close to my Savior and to walk with Him through my day.  This has brought me so much joy.  Even on my hardest days, days when I accomplish very little and feel as though I am barely crawling, I know that He is with me--carrying me. 

The Atonement is real.  It is continual, not a single arrival moment. 

It is the Way.

Satisfying the Mary and Martha In Me

 I am continually torn between the two hungers inside of me: the physical and the spiritual.  I must eat and take care of this body of mine (and other little bodies), but I have a deep longing inside to read and write and think.  So many times I resent the time spent in the kitchen, yet shouldn't I treasure that time with my family?  Dinner especially, can be a treasured time when we not only feed our bodies, but in our conversations, we feed our spirits and our intellects and strengthen family relationships.  So many times I see it as a hurdle to jump so that I may move on to what I would rather be doing.  In my heart, I know that I must embrace this time and make it count.  Dinner time builds families.

So, in that spirit, I moved my computer into the kitchen right next to the stove today.  I have read so many books over the stove, I decided that writing can happen there as well.  I am going to satisfy both needs at the same time.  If I wait for a more opportune time to write, it may never come.  I can think about what I would like to write while my hands are busy, and then while I wait for the timer, I can work bit by bit on my revisions.  It must work.  This need, this hunger, is real and I must satisfy it.

In Teacher In America, Jacques Barzun wrote,

"Whereas the very essence of thought is continuity, the very essence of domestic life is interruption.  If a young woman dared disconnect the doorbell, smash the phone, and gag the baby, she might be able to read a book or think a thought; but with a duty toward everybody but herself, her mind necessarily reverts to the feral [survival] state.  It is not a matter of intelligence or good will or even energy, but of hourly preoccupation.  Robinson Crusoe would have a better chance of remaining cultivated alone on his island than a young married woman of modest income in a three-room flat within a stone's throw of museums, concerts, and public libraries."

I would laugh at this statement if it did not hurt so much.  It is true.  Yet, Mr. Barzun, we young women must cultivate ourselves anyway.  The hunger must be met, not in spite of the baby, but FOR the baby's sake.  It is the mothers who cultivate the children.  They must be fed intellectually, spiritually, and physically first--or the children will not have much of a mother, at least not a happy and fulfilled mother.



I love the story of Mary and Martha.  It reminds me to choose what is needful and to try not to get "careful and troubled," but it also teaches me that I must have a balance between the two.  Women must absorb all of the light and truth that they can and then they must serve and feed those who are hungry.  When this flow is not hindered but really allowed to move through her, she finds real happiness and fulfillment.  She is the vessel that holds this light and goodness, but only for a moment.  She then releases it for others.  As she does, she fills again.  An interruption in this flow can lead to despair and despondency.  To hold it means to lose it.  To give more than she takes in leads to exhaustion.  The right balance between the two leads to joy. (Sculture is by Annette W. Everett.)

So, I feel better now at having said that!  Now, what should I make for dinner???

Hungry

"Hunger is the voice of a void.  It is Nature demanding her rights.  It is the restless insistent cry of an instinct, clamoring to be satisfied.  There are four great hungers of life:  body-hunger, mind-hunger, heart-hunger, and soul-hunger.  They are all real; all need recognition; all need feeding." --William George Jordan (The Crown of Individuality)

I love this quote.  I ponder it often.  Even right now as I sit here in my husband's office trying to avoid interruption and console myself with a bowl of chocolate ice cream, I feel this hunger inside of me.  It is not just a longing for chocolate I feel.  It is deeper and doesn't really go away when the bowl of ice cream is gone (although this chocolate might help me for a moment and tastes so good!).  I yearn for something more, deep within my soul.  I do not think I am alone in this yearning. 

How often I hear the words, "Mommy, I am hungry!" I know my children are growing so quickly and I am so grateful to be able to provide for them.  But, we moms see so much more than the physical hunger and it really doesn't end.  It is constant.  Children's minds and spirits yearn and need daily nourishment.  Their souls have to be fed.  Smart moms know that they must feed themselves continually as well, or else who will be there to help the others?

For many years I struggled against and even resented these hungers.  When will we finally be satisfied?  I yearned for a state of permanent satisfaction!  It is only recently that I have begun to understand how the hungry can be called blessed or happy.  This is the purpose of my blog.  I have to share the happiness I have felt in my own journey through hunger, loneliness, and opposition.

I invite any who are hungry for something more to come and partake.  Join us!  We need not be alone in this journey.  In the process of being empty and then filled, we change ever so slightly.  In this process, if we have feasted on the best sources, we become who we were meant to be.  And we can find joy.