Letting Go of the "Shoulds"

There was a time in my life when I was ruled by "the Shoulds."  No matter what I did, the Shoulds would tyrannically rule over me, causing me a tremendous amount of guilt and turmoil.  For instance, if I spent my early morning time exercising, the Shoulds would remind me that I did not study and that the house was in need of cleaning.  If I spent that precious hour or so on study, the Shoulds would complain that I did not exercise or clean.  If, heaven forbid, I chose to catch up on much needed sleep during that time, a surge of guilt would consume me upon waking up.  My first activity of the day would be to berate myself.  Often the Shoulds would not let up and I would feel this bitter disappointment in myself all day long.

It took a dear friend of mine to help me see what I was doing to myself.  She advised me to keep a small notebook in my pocket and make a tally mark every time I thought about what I "should" be doing.  As I did this one day I realized that my negative thoughts about myself were nearly continual.  Upon this discovery I immediately wrote to her that it is no wonder I was so depressed all the time!  It felt liberating to acknowledge that it would be completely impossible to do all the things I was telling myself I "should" be doing.  How can I do three things simultaneously?  Yet, that is why I was feeling guilty!  I immediately saw that I needed to invite the Shoulds to leave.

I also felt a deep need to go to my Heavenly Father and ask Him directly how He felt about me and the work I was doing in my home.  I was reading Little Women at the time.  I read about how Meg, the March's oldest daughter, had had doubts about herself because of comments she overheard from family friends.  Instead of believing the comments or dwelling on them, she went straight to her mother, her dearest confidant and mentor.  Marmee then told her of her infinite worth.  She taught her of her true value and purpose. 

I went to my Father in Heaven and I asked Him how he felt about me and my work in my home.  I immediately felt an outpouring of love.  It was so immense and overwhelming that I wept.  I realized that this love was not conditional upon my actions and choices.  He loves me no matter what I do.  I also felt that He knew my heart and my desires to be a good mother.  While we both knew that I was not perfect, He recognized and validated my efforts and showered me with love and praise for what I was doing. 

Since then I have realized that when I buy into that kind of thinking I deny the power of the Atonement for me personally.  I was led away by a device of the adversary, thinking to myself that I could somehow do things on my own power with no need for a Savior.  I was struck one day when I read about the anti-Christ, Korihor, from the Book of Mormon.  He preached that "every man prospered according to his genius, and that every man conquered according to his strength (Alma 30:17).  This teaching was very well received, particularly by women (v. 18).  Abandoning this way of thinking has liberated me!

Now when I wake up in the morning, I ask myself "What is it that is most needful?"  I know that I cannot do it all.  I must choose what to let go.  Sometimes the house goes while I soothe a troubled soul or play with a little one who needs attention.  Sometimes my sleep goes when I know I must write.  Sometimes I just need to sleep.  And, it's really okay.  I no longer feel a need for perfection.  I hunger to be close to my Savior and to walk with Him through my day.  This has brought me so much joy.  Even on my hardest days, days when I accomplish very little and feel as though I am barely crawling, I know that He is with me--carrying me. 

The Atonement is real.  It is continual, not a single arrival moment. 

It is the Way.